Up in the Night (Search for similar jokes)
John: My neighbours were up at three o'clock this morning, shouting and yelling.(otj_threeam: 11 of 64)
Pete: Oh dear. Did they wake you up?
John: Nah. I was already up, practicing my bagpipes.
Bad Job (Search for similar jokes)
"Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like your new job?"(otj_badjob: 12 of 64)
"It's the worst job I ever had."
"How long have you been there?"
"About three months."
"So why don't you quit?"
"No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I've looked forward to going home!"
Buying Computers (Search for similar jokes)
Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.(twocomputers: 13 of 64)
Office Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them.
Military Insults (Search for similar jokes)
These are all actual lines from military performance appraisals.(militaryinsults: 14 of 64)
1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. As bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
8. He's so dense, light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
10. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
11. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Chocolate: It's good for you! (Search for similar jokes)
Next time you get that craving for chocolate, you may want to consider the following:(oth_chocgood: 15 of 64)
Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. That makes you feel better, doesn't it?
To go one step further, milk chocolate bars also contain milk (obvious really, when you think about it), which is dairy. Which makes milk chocolate a health food.
And as if that wasn't temptation enough, chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, strawberries, and others all count as fruit, so you can eat as many as you want (preferably at least five portions per day).
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